dear heart

dear heart,
with every shaky beat,
you strive to live
when every other part of my body
tells you to stop,
you keep going
determined

dear heart,
you love so hard and so deep
and at time i hate you for it
but you love still
without condition

dear heart,
the scars on my wrists are nothing
compared to what i put you through

dear heart,
i’m not really sure how you do it
you are so damaged yet so strong
so broken yet so resilient

dear heart,
i’m so sorry

Blistered Hands

my blistered hands
have forgotten what it felt like to
reach for something that isn't
running in the opposite direction

forgive me if i doubt your love
for i have never held something
that didn't slip through my fingers
whenever i looked away

every time i wake with
a kiss on my cheek and
my heart safely in your hands

you are giving me
a break from
reaching because
you are
always
right here

5 Stages of Grief

1 – Denial
I rush to your room,
a small iced tea from Dunkin’ in my hand,
lemon 2 sugars

I see your face and the world is still,
the screams in my head the
only thing I could hear

“She’s gone”
and whispered “sorry”s from
nurses who don’t even look at us
“The social worker should be here soon,
she died 5 minutes ago
we’re still filling out the
paperwork”

You lie in
that bed in
a room
overlooking
the water and
it almost feels like a vacation,
though your face shows
no color

You lie there and
my tears are falling
like each of my eyes
a broken faucet,
filling the sink of
This Can’t Be Happening
until we reach the point of
This Is Not Happening

This can’t be happening

We go home and
the air around me is
imperfectly still,
completing the scene I created in my head.
You’re coming home soon
I’m going to see you again
Repeat
Repeat

I search for your voice
every time my phone rings,
I won’t eat pickles
except on cheeseburgers
because I’m waiting for you
to share them with

I walk into your house and I can almost see you

Sitting

Asking me what I want for dinner
and why I haven’t done anything with
those papers on the table
Almost

2 – Anger

Why did you leave me
You didn’t have to leave me
Not yet
It wasn’t supposed to happen yet
You didn’t even tell me
I need another day
just 5 fucking minutes and
I could’ve seen you.
Am I not even important to you?
Do I not matter?
How can you leave me here like this?

3 – Bargaining

Maybe I could’ve given you another day.
Maybe if I missed that concert the night before,
maybe if I sat by you all night and
didn’t let go of your hand
maybe you would still be here
maybe I could’ve helped your lungs
to keep breathing,
your heart to keep beating
I should’ve been there to save you

I’m sorry

4 – Depression

I know this is my fault

But I don’t know how to live like this
I don’t want to live like this

My heart is empty and
there’s no one to fill this space and
I don’t want anyone to fill this space
it’s not theirs
it’s not even mine
it’s yours

I see you in everything and
how can I get out of bed
knowing you won’t be there to
catch me when
I start crumbling

I am crumbling

I can’t stop crumbling

I don’t even want to live anymore

5 – Acceptance

One year later,

my heart still feels empty sometimes,

maybe most of the time,

but other times…

Other times,
I know I have enough of you to
fill the empty spaces to the ceilings with
photo albums and
home videos and
everything I learned from the
greatest teacher out there
(but nothing involving math homework
because that was never your specialty).

I don’t know where you are or
what you’re doing and
I could spend years trying to
figure out if there is a heaven,

but right now…

right now,
I am trying to fill that
emptiness in my chest with

everything you would be proud of.

Square into a Circle

I fit into your world like a
square into a circle
and my edges are far too
sharp to go in easy.

Your life is fighting us
and you try to stay on my
side of the court,
but maybe its the
wrong side
and it’s not too late to
switch teams.

My white flag
is in my back pocket
and I will wave it
if you want me to.

Giving up is not in my nature,
but hurting you
goes against every
piece of me

and I get lost in your
eyes every time you
look at me.

This wasn’t supposed to be
this hard,
but my heart is
tangled in yours
like headphones we left in our book bag.

I will fight
with you
as long as you will let me,
but please let me know if
this gets too exhausting.

Giving up is not in my nature,
but hurting you
goes against every
piece of me.

TeleVision

I stand.
All eyes
fixated
on every
word falling
out my mouth.
My hands
shaking,
I hold
my heart
above my head,
colors dripping
onto my face,
marking my skin
like the sky
after a storm,
but no one ever saw
the storm.
No one will acknowledge
the colors.

In minds pictures form,
not of me,
not including me,
just pictures,
void of color.
Suddenly,
I am not the
person of interest,
but a mere
extra in their
reality tv show on
black and white televisions,
all colors
pushed back
into the grey,
into the blur,
into the background,
forced down and
I cannot make myself smaller anymore.

I step forward.
Their world cannot
handle these
pixels that have
never combined
like this before.
Another step
and new
colors surround them.
Colors never
seen before,
but now
everyone is buying
new tvs.

But I’m Still Trying To Hold On

The world is spinning too fast and I’m getting dizzy.
My heart crashes into my bones with every step
I think about taking. The earth shakes
and I’m left with my mind racing
faster than my pen and I
don’t want to tell
you that I lost
my grip
again.